Just Another Drawing

Don't really know what motivated me to draw this picture ... i just sat down to draw and this is what happened....

Fire and Water

The Mistakes of Our Mothers

Some love us too much,
They never wanted to hurt us.
To the pain that they caused
Some are just oblivious.
Still others just ignore
The fact that we love them.
Always trying to pick a fight
Always trying to get under our skin.
Can't they see what they're doing?
We don't know how to say
That a person we're supposed to love
Has made us feel this way.
They make us feel inadequate,
They tell us not to cry,
They want us to succeed
And they wonder why we don't seem to try.
Will they ever see the pain?
Will they ever try to apologize?
Will they ever quit living in denial
And try to wipe away the tears they left in our eyes?
They were supposed to protect us,
To shield us from harm,
To help us live and grow,
And we were supposed to feel safe in their arms.
Now what are we supposed to do?
They made mistakes before, will they make yet another?
We don't want to be hurt,
And the pain is worse when it's caused by your mother.

A Different Kind of Canvas

I find that drawing on myself really decreases the urge to cut ... and I like the way this one turned out....

My War

This battlefield
Is no different than any other,
And these wounds
This war has caused may never be healed.

The throbbing pain
And the blood
that can't be washed away
By any amount of rain.

But I have to survive
I don't want to let myself down
because after this is over
I'll be free and able to thrive.

Constantly aware;
Always looking
For the next obstacle.
My enemy is everywhere.

I know this enemy all too well,
It hides,
And waits
For just the right moment to make my life hell.

The weapons it uses
Are fearsome
And painful,
They'll leave you bloody and covered in bruises.

These scars that I wear
Caused me pain,
But I'm still here,
It's my resilience that they declare.

In the news, stories of this war you won't find.
I'm fighting
Against myself
And the battlefield is my own mind.

I am going to win.
A couple battles might be lost,
But I will make it through,
And the record of my war will remain on my skin.

A Phoenix

I wrote this poem today ... I really like the symbol of the phoenix ... to me it represents the eternal hope for a new beginning ... a new beginning that I think I may have found by choosing not to cut any more ... and I know that things aren't going to be magically prefect but I'm going to work at it...

A phoenix

The brightly coloured bird
With feathers as bright as flames
Grows stronger day by day.
It's courage is unsurpassed,
It's resilience is legend.
Then it grows old
And erupts into fire.
Just when you think
That only ashes
Will be left
It rises again from the cinders
Showing that an end
Is merely another
Beginning.

Poems, Poems, Poems....

Yeah lately I've been writing a lot so here are some of the better ones....

The Mask

I've worked so hard
To create this mask.
I was so content
In hiding behind it
I forgot to look
For it's flaws first.
This isn't the image
I want the world
To see.
The image was
Grotesque ... and I made it.
People judged me by that image
And I would not let
Them close enough
To see me for who I am.
Everyone was afraid of what they saw;
Even I was afraid of it.
Today I smashed
The fragile mask
To make a new start.
Now I'm standing here,
Exposed and afraid ...
But not alone.


And this one doesn't have a title ...

On the outside I'm bleeding
Because on the inside I'm screaming.
It has helped me to vent
But now I find solace in a pen...
To use words
And not wounds
Is something new to me.
It's liberating,
No longer am I chained to a blade,
Nor do I have to hate what I do.
On the outside I bled
Because I was screaming inside my head.

Prisoner

yeah, let's just say i've been caught in the storm again...

Prisoner

Wounded,
In a prison
Built by my own hands.
The walls are
reinforced by my words.
Starving,
For love,
Not food.
The light is what
I need to heal.
I'm my own warden
And I have to protect
Myself from being hurt.
I'm afraid to let the
Light shine on
My face,
Too many times
I've let that happen
Only to be left
Out in the rain.
And the rain
Burns my skin
Like acid.
But without the light
I wither away
But I'm not strong enough
To withstand the rain.
I need the light,
I want it,
but I've lost the key,
And I wonder if there is away
to keep out of the
unpredictable storms.
Maybe one day
I'll find the key
and the courage
to let myself be free.

Yet Another Drawing By Me

Another of My Poems

Broken Wings

Looking at the floor and
Tears
Well up in my eyes.
I have clipped
My own
Wings with a tiny
Razor blade.
The feathers lie
Tattered
At my feet. And
Blood
Is dripping like
Red tears,
Expressing a
Hurt
That no words can.
I hate this
Feeling,
Alone and
Unable to fly
Slowly I gather up
My broken wings
And the pieces of my
Shattered heart.
I tape it
Back together.
But I know it will
Never be the same. The
Scars
Will last forever,
Even if to others
they seem to fade.
I look in the
Mirror
And wonder,
How could anyone
Love me with my
Broken wings?

Yet Another One of My Fuzzy Friends

This is the last of our pets ... this is Athena and she's about six months old I think ... if you leave her cage open she'll find away to escape ... and you also can't leave her alone at all if she's not in her cage, because she'll run ... and she may be little but she's fast :)

Thank you

I wrote this poem for a friend who is always there when I need her ... and I have a feeling that in my eyes simply saying "thank you" won't cut it but I'm gonna try anyway...
It's kinda long...

Thank You

The girl with the deep brown eyes
Is hiding something.
Beneath that smile
There are tears
And pain.
forcibly hidden
So that those around can't see it
And laugh.
She's been like this for so long
That she can't see
That it's wrong.
Those around her
Are blind.
They don't know
What's behind
That mask that she wears,
So carefully painted
With that life-like stare.

"She's just quiet,"
They say.
But she's not.
Inside her head
She's screaming,
Wishing that someone could hear.
It's been years since she's tired
To put her pain
Into words.
When she did
It just scared everyone away.
It was then that she carefully
Crafted her mask.
But now there is someone
Who can see all the cracks.

The mask is now too heavy to wear
And I've taken on
Much more than I can bear.
But this friend
Who can see the hidden
Pain in my eyes
Offers to help,
To make things okay.
At first I am startled by this.
I thought that I didn't deserve
To be helped,
Or even to be okay.
I waited and waited
For the friend to give up,
To be left alone again.

This friend, though, is true
And she won't leave me.
If I ever think I don't deserve her
She knows all the reasons why I do.
She's there when I'm happy
And when I'm depressed
And I help her
When she's not at her best.
I really don't know
What I'd do without her.
I owe her my life.
I'll never be able to pay her back.
She makes me feel better
And now I'm no longer alone.

I'm at a loss for words
I don't know what to tell you,
Or how to thank you properly.
So until I know
How to say it right
A simple
"Thank you",
From the bottom of my heart,
Will have to do.
Is that all right?

**********

Every word in the poem is how I feel and I think I've said it before but I don't know what I'd do without you....Thank you Nettie:)

Fingerpaint : )

When was the last time you finger-painted? You really should try it sometime ... This is what happened when I tried last night ... I dunno what it means I just liked the colours ... and as you can see you don't really need much talent to fingerpaint...

Blue Sky ~ Emily Carr

This painting is by the famous Canadian painter, Emily Carr. It's probably one of my favourite paintings.

Paint Brush ~ Bettie B. Youngs

Here's a poem i found in one of those chicken soup books ... it's probably one of my favourites and it's how i feel almost all the time ... there are very, very few people who actually get to see the real me...

Paint Brush
By Bettie B. Youngs

I keep my paint brush with me
Whereever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of you'll do - that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now all my coats are stripped off.
I feel naked, bare, and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paintbrush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me too.

Another One of My Fuzzy Friends

This is one of our guinea pigs (we have two) ... her name is Rascal and she's always really calm. In this picture she had just gone swimming ... I really don't think she liked it tho...