Help Me

This is a drawing that I did tonight ... it could represent me or some others that I know. Sometimes you feel like you're drowning in your own life ... or for me in my own thoughts ... and people are trying to help and it's just not working. The hardest thing to remember when you feel like this is that it doesn't last forever ... just hold on and the tide will bring you back ... I promise...

You Wouldn't Understand (By Me)

You wouldn't understand...
I need it.
Please,
Just let me.
I need to feel the pain.
All these emotions
Welling up inside me.
I just want to feel
one thing,
not everything.
You wouldn't understand...
I want it.
Please,
Just let me.
I want to see the blood.
Just to vent my emotions
In tears coloured red.
I just want to cry
with blood,
not tears.
You wouldn't understand
what it is to feel this way.

Another Drawing By Me

One of My Fuzzy Friends

This is a picture of my hamster ... ok so he's not really mine he's my sister's ... but anyway ... I find that having him around when I'm not feeling so hot is awesome ... especially when it's night and he's acting crazy. Oh, and by the way, his name is Beau.

Happy

Here another one of my drawings ... and yes I sort of have an analysis of this one too. Again it relates to how I've been feeling today. Blue has always been a really good colour for me and it represents all the good things ... but red ... not so much and actually when my counsellor asked me to choose something that represented the urge to cut I chose the colour red. So even though today was a really good day and I had a lot of fun ... as one should on Christmas day ... the urge to cut is still there. I really don't think I will today but still it's there.
Like I said overall I really, really good Christmas day :) I know it probably sounds cheesy but I really do prefer watching people open the gifts I've given them instead of opening what I've gotten ... but I did get a lot of cool stuff and actually I got a little statue that the Buddha the picture is based on.
Hopefully the rest of the holidays will be as good as today :)

Random Rememberings ...

I know it's Christmas and everything is supposed to be happy ... but I'm just not ... or at least I'm not as happy as I used to be at Christmas. Ever heard the song "Where are you Christmas" ... yeah it's like that. I think a big part of it is missing my grandma. Ever since she passed away Christmas has lost a lot of meaning for me. She used to stay at our house on Christmas Eve and we would all go to Church together. Sometimes I still think I can hear her when we are singing the hymns. No matter how early I got up on Christmas Day she would always be up before me, sitting in a chair waiting for the rest of us to get up. It still bothers me when I get up and she's not there ... even though this will be our fourth Christmas without her.
I still think about Grandma a lot, especially at this time of year ... I miss her...

Worth a Thousand Words

Ha ... In class they make us analyze so much stuff that I'm even analyzing my own art work ... Creepy....

But I have to say it's definitely worth at least a thousand words

I am

I am:

Lost,
More than I've ever been before
and the way back I can't find,
I'm drowning inside my own mind.
Alone,
Left out in the cold,
No one will stay with me
All because of what they've been told.
Afraid,
The dark that's around me
Is filled with monsters
And other things that are scary.
Weak,
Unable to do things for myself,
I rely on others
Because I need their help.
Naive,
In too many people I've put my trust,
And been forced to watch helplessly,
As they've thrown in it the dust.
Hurt,
The pain that I feel emotionally,
Is displayed on my arm,
And is now visible physically.
But maybe...
Just maybe ...
One day things will get better...

The Dark

yes ... another poem ... by me...

The Dark
The dark consumes me,
Black,
Cold,
And lonely.
The light had once surrounded me,
But my sun has been blocked out,
No longer warm,
Loving,
Or bright.
I stay away from the flames of my emotions,
I'm unable to go near,
It's hot,
Flaming,
and scary.
Will I ever find a balance
between
the love,
the cold,
and that which scares me?
Maybe one day I'll be okay,
And the dark won't be with me every day.

Alone

Here's another one of my poems ... in fact I wrote it today ...

Alone

All alone in the corner,
The one that no one sees.
Everyone walks by
The kid in the corner
Without noticing me.

The pain may not be visible,
And the scars, hidden underneath my clothes,
But if you look hard enough
How hurt I feel is as plain as day.

I watch as everyone walks by
Too absorbed in their own thoughts to see me.
Once in awhile someone stops
And tries to help me.

I'm still here in my corner,
And I'm grateful to those who help,
But if you offer me your hand
It will take a lot for me to accept it.

I have been hurt by others before
And the world out there scares me.
Forgive me if I hesitate.
Will you try to protect me?

Some days I feel childish,
So alone and afraid,
But if I take your hand
I know I won’t be so scared.

No longer will I be
All alone in the corner,
The one that no one sees,
All because you walked by
And noticed me.

The Urge

Here's a poem that I wrote awhile ago that describes perfectly what i'm feeling at the moment ... one thing y'all should know about me is that I am a cutter ... I cut to cope ... and I'm not going to apologize if any of you have a problem with it ... that's just the way life goes ...

The Urge
There is an urge
Which courses through my veins,
And to release my emotions,
It's worth the pain.

I feel myself slipping again
Into the pit of chaos and despair,
I reach out for help
But no one is there.

Farther I fall,
The tide pulls me down,
I've nearly lost hope,
But I'm afraid to drown.

It's then i reach
For my only friend
Who's always there,
And I catch myself before the end.

Then I watch
and my emotions calm,
as the red river flows
hot and sticky down my arm.

The rage within is gone,
For now. Then
It lies dormant,
waiting, until again when,

There is an urge,
which courses through my veins,
and to release my emotions
it's worth the pain.

A Book

Hey everyone,
I'm pretty new at this so i think i'll just start with one of my all time favourite poems...

A Book
By Emily Dickinson
There is no frigate like a book
To take us lands away,
Nor coursers like a page of prancing poetry.
This traverse may the poorest take
Without oppress of toll;
How frugal is the chariot
That bears the human soul!